I've had a lot of time to sit back and think over the past few weeks. Money has been tight and my world has gotten quite a bit smaller. Its made me feel a bit restless as I know I'm missing things I would like to be apart of, but have been unable to do so. Having time to sit back and reflect isn't the worst thing in the world, and now that I have done so, I realized that there was a lot of shit on my plate that I needed to process.

My best friends 30th birthday was this past week, and I got to spend time with him, his mother, and his circle of friends. I've known this kid from age 15. Watching someone grow up for half their life is a blessing. There are few people walking this planet that I would take or give a bullet for, and he's one of them. All that aside, celebrating the 30th birthday for your best friend is an emotional slap in the face. We spent some time reflecting on what we said as kids in reference to our future older selves, and it made us feel good.

We said a lot as kids that didn't make much sense or really have any weight at the time. My personal favorite is "I'll never grow up". As I thought about the years that have passed, I evaluated myself as to whether or not that statement was true and whether or not it has led me to being a happier self.

What does "never growing up" really mean anyway? The statement requires you to have a definition of "growing up" to which you will "never" subscribe to. As a kid this statement is easy to relate to. A grown-up is something that is easily defined as someone older than you, someone with life's not-so-fun responsibilities. Its easy to say as a kid, because as child its those grown-ups that are facilitating and enabling you to live how you want. There is a clear separation that is tangible, but not fully understood. But how do I define this grown up now that I am the definition of what my child self swore never to become?

It's impossible not to grow up in the simplest terms of the phrase. We all age. We all are subject to the responsibilities subscribed to us by life: income and the myriad of ways it is taken from us. We all are each individually responsible to do the things in life that will sustain us with our own needs. These are the inescapable requirements of an adult, and adulthood itself is inescapable.

I thought about that it was I was referring to when my 16 year old said "I will never grow up." I believe I envisioned an unhappy aging person, someone who just walked through life only doing the things that were required to sustain themselves. Someone who was discontent with themselves and their life status. In essence, I defined as grown up as someone who was older and unhappy. I suppose by this definition I have succeeded. I may be older, but I am still happy.

Still, this doesn't sit right with me. I said aloud to myself "I will never grow up" and couldn't help but feel as though I was lying to myself. You have to grow up. Growing up is taking care of my own self and responsibilities, and I am doing that. I'm sorry 15 year old Joe. You were wrong. You have to grow up, and you have done so.

I didn't like this. It made me feel older instantly. I didn't feel it was justified. I have energy and life. I am happy. I have fun. I am social. I do crazy silly ridiculous things and have a blast doing them.

I......get it. 

When I said "I will never grow up" as a 15yr old kid, I was juxtaposing the fun and joy and craziness and complete lack of care of being a kid with the real world responsibilities of an adult. Now that I am an adult and unable to escape those responsibilities, I felt as though I had failed at a credo I used to govern my life, with out ever fully thinking about whether or not that credo was still applicable and feasible. But, I haven't failed. In many ways I have succeeded. I still hold on to, extract joy from, and grow through my experiences in life that are not associated with caring for my life responsibilities.

I realize now that never growing up isn't about never taking care of yourself or your responsibilities. It isn't about being unhappy and griping about your status in life. Never growing up is about staying connected to how you felt as a kid and filtering it into adulthood. It's about realizing that although you have to pay mind to the things you have to do in order to sustain yourself, your happiest pursuits in life with be those that bring you closer to the joy and happiness you experienced as a child.

I will never say "I will never grow up" again. I am happy and proud of being a grown up. Although the statement is untrue, I have succeeded in the essence of it.

From here to the end of my life in this world, I will always remember to stay connected to my youth, for it is through that which I experience the most pleasure and happiness. And really, what is life other than the pursuit and attainment of ones own happiness?

found this on the bathroom wall at phils coffee, 24th and folsom

I can't believe I'm writing another one of these. I can't believe that a public transportation service is so fucking dysfunctional that it has succeeded in pissing me off to the point where I am screaming at the BART station, completely blind with rage at the pure lunacy in the way the buses are run. So this morning, I missed the bus. Not because I was late, but because the driver must have gotten new tires or a fresh bottle of trucker speed. I watched the bus roll by my stop through the crystal clear glass of 7-11 as a poured my extra large ghetto mocha. It was 5 minutes early. No biggie. I mean, I could have not gotten the coffee. Partially my fault, and I accept that. I have to plan my travel around whether or not SamTrans can keep its schedule, and that's annoying, but I can accept it. Fast forward though a 10 hour workday. I am now at the Colma BART, furiously typing this on my phone because I'm raging so hard I want to eat concrete. As I'm running my ticket through the gate, I see my bus waiting at the bay. "Wow", I think, "pretty awesome. I can get right on the bus". I suppose no sooner than when the bus slipped from my view as I went through the station, the driver must have decided that this train didn't matter. I walked out of the BART to watch the bus pulling away. I ran accross the bus bays to where there is a stop sign. I figured the driver would let me on, they have in the past. Its a stop sign. You have to stop there, and letting me on the bus is a simple button press away. I make it to the sign long before the bus does, and stand there, happy that I made it. The bus pulls up, stops. I make eye contact with the driver, waiting for him to open the door. He waves his hand at me and the bus pulls away. Are you fucking kidding me?? Its cold and drizzling. I ran over here where you have to stop. You can't push that open-the-door-and-make-this-guys-night button? What the fuck, buddy? Its like they plan the buses and trains so that the bus is pulling away just so they can laugh at me and the elderly asian woman who was also left in the dust of that bus. She didn't run after it though. Oh well...its no big deal. I just hate giving these fucks four bucks a day to kinda sorta have mildly convienient, somewhat punctual transportation. and to the driver of the ssf bart 122 leaving colma bart at 7:04, FUCK YOU!!!

Holy shit..I am still feeling the weekend. My heart and much love goes out to all that came down to the Williams Estate to celebrate the quarter-century mark for our beloved wuffie, Darkrage. Much respect goes out the Mr. Kel, M-squared, and DJ Mixer for supplying our ear drums with kick ass beats. A big thanks to those that brought tasty foods and beverages, and a huge hug to Darkie for getting the keg (at his own birthday party!). Denali and Palmer worked the grill, and it made my tummy happy. Palmer, I'll eat your smoked meat anyday. :"3.

Hope everyone enjoyed the chocolate wrestling. If you have any vids or pictures of the two matches, please link them my way. Fire spinning by Darkrage, Austin, Sage, and Rayce...holy shit balls. Fucking fantastic! Darkie only set himself on fire once, Sage looked like he was in fucking fast forward, and Rayce and Austin looked like ninja fire furs. Seriously impressive and cool ass performances.

It was Rayce's birthday to y'all! And Rayce, my knee still hurts. *cries*

It took me a little over 28 years, but I think I've finally found a group of people that I am absolutely comfortable with, always have a good time, haven't had too much drama, and I'm growing and experiencing each time we hang out. To all you fur fuckers out there, you are the greatest and chillest gang of peeps I have come across. Seriously love hanging with you all.

Rawrf.
:"3

I found this link to one of the movies from the party. http://www.youtube.com/user/ariumdok#p/a/f/1/etHoYvt9gS0 Thanks birdie!

Hey all you fuzzies and whatnot...

Save the date, March 13th @ the Stud in SF, it's opening night for Frolic, a fuzzy friendly, burner, alt-lifestyle club night starting up. You should come! You should come in costume! You will have fun! YAYS!

ugh...woke up yesterday morning and felt like complete and total poopy. Ended up having to call into work and simply spent the day recovering and relaxing in my pj's. I ended up spending some time working on my mate's fursuit head. it's coming out really nice. i am trying out something new for me. being that it's only my second head, i haven't really developed a system. the first time around i spent the most time sewing together many seams on the head after the fur had already been glued on. this is what took me the most time in the construction, as the head was pieced together with many little pieces of fur.

this time around i wrapped the entire head in muslin and pinned down a pattern. so far i am only going to have to sew 8 seams, and the whole head is furred. some of it needs to be shaved down, like the top of the muzzle and where the white goes to the amber/brown. i am focusing on process right now, getting it down where I can whip these together and looking good in the matter of 5-8 hours of work, rather than 8-15. the process of the pattern is going to cut down on my sewing time immensely, and now it's just a matter of learning out to work around the shape of the head to make as few seams as possible.

this wuffay needs some eyes, nose, teeth, and tounge and he'll be good to go. it's looking a little bulky right now, but the fur is only pinned on. once i start gluing it down and cutting back, the fur will take to the shape and be a bunch smoother.

big party this weekend, wewt! don't think i'll have this done for then, but im looking forward to it anyway!

rawrf.

The opportunity presented itself, and so I went ahead and did some roleplaying...

Taken from feles webcam chat...

[REMOVED by feles]
5:59 SydASyd: helllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
[REMOVED by feles]
11:00 MRguy12e4e: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
5:57 arium: rawr
5:58 arium: you're not singing
5:58 arium: why aren't you singing
5:58 AlfieBell3323: arium..
5:58 AlfieBell3323: ARUIM!
5:58 AlfieBell3323: ARIUM**
5:59 AlfieBell3323: heyyele
5:59 AlfieBell3323: ??
5:59 arium: yes, tis I
5:59 AlfieBell3323: hey dude?
5:59 arium: who's this?
5:59 AlfieBell3323: me
5:59 AlfieBell3323: umm
5:59 arium: lol
5:59 AlfieBell3323: iff you wanna hear someone sing look up Hunterxox because she is singing alot of jb songs and others.
6:00 AlfieBell3323: because really
6:00 AlfieBell3323: this guy is not interesting
6:00 arium: wow
6:00 AlfieBell3323: yaa..
6:00 arium: that's kinda harsh, no
6:00 arium: i mean, who the fuck is jb anyway
6:00 AlfieBell3323: Justin Bieber
6:00 AlfieBell3323: ?
6:01 arium: and why would i give a shit about your crappy ass friend singing some bullshit songs
6:01 AlfieBell3323: Excuse me?
6:01 AlfieBell3323: my friend is not a crappy ass.
6:01 AlfieBell3323: maybe you shouldnt be so <censored> rude
6:01 arium: well sir, i profress that in fact your friend is!
6:01 arium: har har!
6:02 AlfieBell3323: well dumb ass for one im not a <censored> guy.. im all girl here bud!
6:02 arium: this is all in jest, good fun, kind sir!
6:02 arium: me'lady!
6:02 arium: do you like roleplaying?
6:02 AlfieBell3323: and 2 my <censored> head you friend is the best singer ever!
6:02 arium: I put on my robe and wizard hat.
6:02 AlfieBell3323: you arew <censored> retarded thats it
6:03 arium: I cast lvl 47 silence on you, sealing your lips closed.
6:03 AlfieBell3323: Omg... your a <censored> gaylord thats it
6:03 AlfieBell3323: !
6:04 arium: you're totally out of character
6:04 AlfieBell3323: wow im not in <censored> charcter dumb ass
6:04 AlfieBell3323: you are watching a guy lay on a bed you <censored> stalker
6:04 AlfieBell3323: !!!!
6:05 AlfieBell3323: hah nothing to say there right?
6:05 AlfieBell3323: haha gay <censored>
6:05 arium: I cast lvl57 flaming ball cock on you, showering you with raining flaming stickiness.
6:05 arium: You are unable to move are speak.
6:05 feles: alfiebell, you're a tard.

rawrf!

hope everyone out there had a great valentine's day weekend. I was pleasantly surprised earlier in the week by my love, who returned from training Thailand early. A wonderful early V-day gift indeed.

Had a fantastic debauchery-filled friday night, fueled by mixed drinks and the company of some super awesome friends. The Leezard, the Deer, the Hyena, the Wolf, and the Lion all went out and got sillyfaced.

Worked on meh new head some more, got the ears on and all the foaming done. Now just need to get the eyes in there and me thinks it's ready for fur.

Registered for online classes starting in mid march....PHP and MySQL DB programming, Oracle SQL, and UNIX/Linux sys admin are first on the plate.

much love goes out to all the fur this valentines time. hope you got your fuzzy snugs and your butt loved :D

tootles.

dear sam trans, you suck ass. you don't give transfers. you are always late. you shut down at 6pm, you are just as expensive as muni, and you pale in comparison. fuck you. I hate you. I'm glad you exist, but you are a edifice of mediocraty. I wish you could do your job better.